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| Depressing |
| 07.22.04 (6:01 pm) [edit] |
Reading some of these blogs is depressing. I just don't know how some people can hate life so much. I know life sucks at times but things get better. Nothing can stay the same..everything changes. All I know is that I love myself too much to take my life. Nor would I ever want to leave the people in my life. My family especially my husband and my daughter mean everything to me!!
Speaking of my husband, it is almost time for him to leave to Iraq. :cry: I'm so scared. I keep thinking what if something happens..what if he gets hurt?..what if they keep them out there longer than 7 months? I don't know what I would do. Before I left Cali we were laying down, he was kind of laying on top of me. My shoulder felt a little wet. I told him 'damn babe its hot in here, you're sticking to me.' So then he moved and I felt my shoulder and it felt really wet but not from sweat. So then I rolled over towards him and touched his face..His cheeks were wet. I asked him why he was crying and he couldn't talk to me. He reached for his phone and texted me: Y am i crying? B/c im scared i might not make it back and b able 2 take care of MY family (u and Kanani)
Earlier that day he started watching Black Hawk Down and he had to turn it off. I understand why he is scared..things have gotten worst since the first time he was there. I'm trying my best to stay calm and I'm trying not to cry but it just sucks. But then again he knew what he was getting into when he signed on that line and I knew what I was getting into when I signed on the line too. Military life has so many good things about it but it also comes with seperation and heartache.
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| I don't know what to do..I feel like shit |
| 07.18.04 (9:04 pm) [edit] |
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Now that I'm thinking about it, my husband is soo shady!!! I love him to death but can I trust him? Shit, I don't even know! Its so hard to trust someone when they've fucked up so many times. What hurts even more is the fact that I can't trust my husband, someone I love so much. I love him with all my heart. I just don't know how things are going to work out between us. I try to work things out but in the back of my head I don't know if I really want to. Don't get me wrong, the last thing I want is a divorce! Its just that I don't see him changing. He always tells me he is sorry and that he is going to change and yadda yadda yadda, but he never does. A week later he'll fuck up again. He doesn't understand how much he hurts me. Its one thing to be hurt by someone but its just hurts so much more when its the person you plan on spending the rest of your life with. I've known him for so long and I used to think that he would never cheat on me but now I think differently. He has girls calling his phone and MULTIPLE texts from one girl that is his "friend." What hurt me so bad was that in one of them he texted her "You know I'm married but I'm trying to cut." When I asked him about that he said he was just joking. He said he always jokes with her and that he didn't mean it. Shit, the way I see it..you don't joke about your marriage especially to some female. UNLESS you really want out of the marriage or you don't give a fuck about it. That is just disrespectful!!! I feel like he doesn't appreciate me and that he just has no respect for me at all. I don't feel like his wife. I have to look at my 1.75 ring to remind me. This whole situation sucks and its breaking me down. Hell right now at this very moment I want to cry. Lester doesn't understand how much he is tearing me apart. I just don't know what to do because we are so far apart. I think there is so much that he is not telling me. I can't do it anymore. If he fucks up again(I mean when), he has to get kicked to the curb. I guess only time will tell...It all lies in Lester's hands.
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| Home from Cali |
| 07.18.04 (8:11 pm) [edit] |
I went to Cali on the 7th to the 14th. Well actually I missed my flight and came home on the 15th. I had so much fun. My husband and I had do good times. But we did hit a rough spot. Let me start from the begining. Lester had 2wks of leave. He went home to visit family and friends. When he left home he went straight to San Diego to spend time with me. Well we were getting ready to leave somewhere and he ran into the house to get something. While I was waiting I grabbed his digital camera and started looking @ the pics. Wow. I was surprised. There were pictures of one of his friends eating some girl out...I automatically got pissed. My thoughts were: why does he have the pics on here?, who took the pics?, where was he?, and why the fuck would he have these at all? Well when he got in the truck I showed him what I found. He told me,"Man, I wasn't there! I let Jason borrow my camera. I'm suppose to put those pics on a cd for him." My response was,"Why the fuck would u let him borrow ur camera to take pics like this? Even if you didn't know what he was going to use the camera for, why didn't you erase the pics as soon as you seen what they were? We argued about it for a bit then finally I dropped it. BUT THEN!!!! Lester decided to go to the store to go get ice cream, I stayed and checked out the pics on his computer...Well guess what I found? Yup, more pics of girls. The girls were in the back seat of someones car/truck...and it looked like Lesters! So I payed attention to detail and then when Lester got back, I told him to open the truck. Then I checked out the back seat and sure enough it was Lesters truck in the pics. I went back into the house and told him to come up to the room so i could show him something..I got onto the computer and showed him the pics.
Me: I could be wrong but this looks like your truck. Its your truck huh?
Lester: Yeah
Me: Oh I see, you know what...FUCK YOU. You are a fuckin liar, you said u let Jason borrow your camera. i thought you weren't there!
Lester: Man this was a different night
Me: Oh, a different night?! Dude, I fuckin hate you. You are a liar.
Lester: How am I liar? Huh..
(I walk out and slam the door)
Blah blah blah...Its a long story but we didn't talk for awhile and then when we did things were still shitty! I told him that I don't trust him and its impossible to have a marriage without trust. I also told him that he takes advantage of our situation. He thinks that just because we live apart, he can do whatever he wants. Its not even like that. I don't care if I lived in another fuckin country, regardless he is still married. He needs to act like a husband. He needs to show me respect. I'll continue in a few minutes.....
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