California Girl


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How do you manage to spend your birthday in jail?
12.09.04 (6:48 pm)   [edit]
So, my family is far from normal. My older brother P.J. has some serious issues that he does not want to face. Today is his 24th birthday and he's in jail. I guess he has been pushing his wife around again. I feel bad for the both of them and I feel especially bad for my niece and nephew. My brother and his wife should have never gotten married in the first place but seeing as they did, I feel bad that it's not working out for them. My brother has been calling my grandparents to bail him out which by the way it's 5 grand! They refuse to to do it. Last time he got locked up they bailed him out and they just don't have the money to do it again. I talked to my grandma a little while ago and she told me she was crying in the shower. That hurt me so much. My grandma is a tough woman and I have never seen her cry...not even at funerals. So for me to hear that she was crying was like a knife in my heart. My grandparents raised my brother and honestly he is spoiled rotten. I know that they want to borrow money to get him out but at the same time they know that they must leave him there. He is a grown man. He put himself in that situation. I'm so scared because this time I think she is going to leave him for good. My brother is not stable and can be suicidal. What will he do to himself if she leaves? God only knows! I love my brother and yet I hate him because he is ignorant and stubborn. I wish I could make him get help. I wish I could make him seek psychological help. He denies he needs any...he thinks nothing is wrong with him. I don't know what is going to happen to him but I think he is looking at a year. Goodnight everyone. Goodnight P.J. I wish I could help you but first you must help yourself. I love you.
 
Life without my husband
12.07.04 (6:34 pm)   [edit]
It's been so hard without Lester. I miss him so much. He has been gone for 3 months and will not be returning for another 4 months. I don't know what's going on with me tonight but I'm really emotional. I hate being here in Texas, I want to go home. I miss the Cali life but then again I'm scared to go back. I don't think I've fully healed from certain situations. Going back to CA means facing those situations and reliving them. I thought I finally had things figured out...I was wrong. What is wrong with me? Why is life so hard? Why can't I forget about things and move on? Somedays are fine and then there are days like today! For the past couple of hours something inside keeps hurting. I don't know what it is...maybe it's what we call a heart. Why am I crying? Why do I feel so empty? Why am I so confused? Life is supposed to be getting better for me. I have my own family now and hopefully soon we'll be adding to it. God, I wish I could be happy. I need Lester so bad. I need him to be home (wherever that is?) I need him to hold me and let me know that everything will be ok. I need to hear I love you. I was looking through some stuff and I found a card from him that he gave me in high school. It was so sweet. After I read it I thought to myself 'damn he has loved me for so long' I'm just amazed to this day that out of all the girls he dated, he wanted me to be his wife. ME, the girl who was so into herself...the girl who didn't give a fuck about anyone...the girl who left him to move to L.A...the girl that never bothered to write him while he was at boot camp. Now three yrs later we're married and here I am...waiting.
 
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